So, one day it occurred to me that there were Adult Video
shops where I could simply walk in and buy or rent a video (back in the
day). At that moment of 'realization', a light went on in my mind, where it occurred to me that through watching porn that I can see what it’s like to simply have the power to have sex when I want
with whom I want and in the way I want with like no consequences and no
effort! Now, I was having difficulty
with relationships with women at the time.
I couldn’t open myself up. So,
like, after a while of not being able to form relationships with women,
suddenly this idea about porn that I created sounded just like a great
solution. Now of course, I also had my
reservations. I also knew that this
couldn’t be good. But I did it
anyway.
From there, I was like instantly addicted to porn. I was constantly going back searching for
the hottest girl to watch. I became
very satisfied sexually, without any actual sex. Now, you may think that I sound pretty ‘bad’; but, actually, most
of my guy friends at the time were also watching porn already before me. Porn was like ‘normal’ to us guys. It is what ‘healthy’ males do.
So anyway, years went by and my addiction to porn just grew
stronger with time. I would get mind
possessed to just go master-bate at times where it felt like I just had to do
it no matter what. Then of course, this
addiction to porn became my ‘dirty little secret life’ that no one really knew
about other than me because of being ashamed and also because of the cultural
‘taboos’. So, like, I was living as
split personality – my porn personality where I couldn’t wait to see the next
hottest female get fucked in the most perfect way, and then also my ‘normal’ personality
where no one would ever suspect, but of course my guy friends.
And somehow, with this inter-personally debilitating
condition AKA a pornography addiction, I managed to meet my partner of whom I
am with today, years later. Now, she
was no angel too. At first, we both
shared our porn addiction together.
Then, out of a tremendous amount of guilt that I had had over the years
of using porn all suppressed within me, I just felt like I had to quit, and
that my partner should too. She agreed
and stopped using porn ever since then.
I, however, fell back into the addiction, not on purpose,
but because I couldn’t help myself. So,
in this, I fucked myself because I actually had an open relationship within
regards to porn. I could have worked
out more of a support scenario between us where we just helped each other
eventually stop. But, because I had
this need to end porn all at once, per decree, and my partner held her end of
the bargain, I trapped myself into a point of having to hide my addiction from
her. This was made even more so, because
she was so happy with her decision (and our decision) to quit. She would say ‘how wonderful it was that we
decided to quit porn together’, and I would just feel awful, and scared to tell
her the reality of the situation.
Now, I would sneak porn every now and then, until a couple
of years later, after having our first child.
A few months after my partner got pregnant, our sex life took a dive due
partly to my lack of being prepared to know how to handle myself in such a
situation. So, I started watching even
more porn to relieve my stress and to fulfill my sexual desires of which were
on hold with her. Finally one day, she
caught me, and from that point she formed a hatred and a resentment to me.
She was seriously hurt.
You see, she felt as if I had conned her, in a way, as if I tricked her
into quitting porn while I still watched it.
Plus, looked at it as if I was lying to her about the addiction for
years on end, especially within the point that I was doing it while she was
under the impression that I had quit.
Plus, she felt as if I was cheating on her. Plus, if that weren’t enough, she was very much not happy with me
on other fronts as well. She almost
immediately wanted a divorce.
At that time, I had a 6 month-old son. I couldn’t accept and allow a divorce while
my son is only 6 months. I ‘loved’ my
wife, but keeping us together for the sake of my son, was of greater
importance. Thus, I did everything in my
power to ‘save’ the ‘marriage’. I will
pick up from here, in part II.
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