zaterdag 23 augustus 2014

2014 How I Stabilized Myself with Being Alone - Facing The Inner Emptiness


A few weeks ago someone in my life that I had built up quite a deep and intense relationship with moved away for what is going to be quite a long time, which meant that all of a sudden, after having spent every day and almost every moment physically together for a long time, I found myself alone. Initially it looked like I was still more or less stable within myself and as though him leaving didn't have all that much of an impact on me. However after a few days I started to notice this experience of an emptiness within myself, as though there was something missing in my life.

I would still do my work and do the same things that I did when he was with me, but within myself the experience of myself had changed, where I now felt like I was less 'alive' than I was when he was there. Initially I thought that I probably just need some time to adjust to this new situation, because I was aware that I had, within my mind, physical and being experience, become quite accustomed to his physical presence in my day-to-day life and living - so I was expecting this experience of like an internal 'emptiness' and 'lostness' to eventually go away by itself as I become used to my new physical 'settings'.

After a week however, at a point I found myself sitting in front of my laptop trying to get some work done and inside of myself I felt like I was sinking deeper into this experience of 'lifelessness' where my eyes also felt like they were sinking into their sockets. My physical body was overall feeling very uncomfortable because of how stuck I felt in that emotional internal experience of 'emptiness', 'lifelessness' and 'lostness'. So, at that point I realized that I need to take action to make sure that this emotional state is directed so that it doesn't become worse and spirals out of control where it will eventually start to influence my work and my daily interactions with my physical reality.

I opened up a blank document on my laptop and I started to write about the experience, specifically looking at what the thoughts are that have been crossing my mind during those days as what may have been contributing to this specific emotional/energetic experience within myself of feeling 'empty' and 'lifeless' and 'lost'. Then, having written down the thoughts that I could identify as what had been going through my mind - I noticed a fascinating pattern. I realized that from the time that he had left, within my mind I had basically been fearing my own emotional reactions. At some point, I had accepted the idea within my mind that I should not be reacting emotionally to him leaving and that this event in my physical world and reality should not influence me emotionally. So, what I had in fact been doing this whole time was fighting, suppressing, hiding and denying my own emotional reactions.

The specific thoughts wherein I noticed this pattern playing out were thoughts wherein I found myself thinking about and projecting this image of myself as how I was and experienced myself before this person left and comparing that image/projection with how I am expressing and experiencing myself now, with an underlying thought of 'I have to be the same as then - internally and externally - I mustn't let myself become emotional about this or change in my expression and behaviour', to which I then reacted with an experience of panic and fear in relation to my own internal reality because I didn't want to see, realize or be confronted with the reality that I was in fact experiencing emotional reactions in relation to having lost his physical presence in my world.

So then, by having been reacting to my own emotional reactions, I was actually creating secondary emotional experiences within myself, like a layer of emotions and thoughts on top of a layer of emotions and thoughts - instead of simply being honest with myself, facing and dealing with the primary layer as what I am actually really in fact going through within myself. I mean, this is a pattern that I see has played out in my life many times, where I would go into a state of denial and suppression of how I am reacting within myself to a specific event in my physical world and reality, just because I have accepted specific judgments to exist within my mind about my own emotional and feeling reactions, which then ended up creating this experience within myself of feeling lost and empty. And I have found that this actually just makes the whole thing worse than if I had just been honest with myself about who I really am inside of myself - meaning, how I am really feeling and reacting within myself and so not try to pretend as if I am this stable individual who doesn't react to things. I have realized for myself that this point of being honest with myself about what is really going on within myself is the first step towards being able to change my internal reality.

After having realized this point of insight into and understanding of how I had been creating this experience of 'lifelessness' and 'emptiness' within myself, which was - as I realized - in fact a consequence of the fact that I was trying to suppress my actual emotional experiences and reactions to what had happened, I then went over into the application of self-forgiveness, as the act of releasing this 'mind-construct' that I had created within myself as the reaction of fighting, suppressing, hiding and denying my own internal emotional experiences. After having applied this written self-forgiveness, which I am sharing below, the experience of lifelessness and emptiness was gone and I felt lighter and more clear and present within myself - which was my indicator that I had found the point within myself that was creating the internal experience of lifelessness and emptiness and that the self-forgiveness was effective. What determines this effectiveness of the self-forgiveness application is whether or not I am willing to be truly honest with myself and willing to face that which is really going on within myself - meaning, willing to face that which I actually don't want to face.

https://eqafe.com/p/mind-cycles-reptilians-part-321What also assisted me within this process of finding that point within myself of seeing and realizing what was really going on in my mind and how I was creating an experience of emptiness and lifelessness - is that I had just listened to a Reptilians Interview from Eqafe, specifically "Mind Cycles - Reptilians - Part 321", which discussed this point of how we within our mind tend to keep ourselves in cycles of emotional experiences by reacting emotionally to those experiences and why it is that we tend to react emotionally to our own emotions. I find that whenever I listen to an interview, it tends to be quite coincidentally 'spot on' in terms of giving me perspective and support within a specific point that I am working with or looking at within myself, which then assists me to more easily move through that point.

The following are the specific Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements that I applied and which assisted and supported me to step out of the emotional/energetic mind-state that I was experiencing myself within:


Self-Forgiveness Statements


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stay the same as the idea that I had created of myself in my mind in relation to my memories of how I expressed and behaved myself before and during X was with me


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this is a specific reaction of the mind to the fact that I did actually react within myself to X having left from my physical world and environment - wherein within my mind I went into a reaction of wanting to suppress that reality of myself, by stepping into a construct in my mind wherein I want to remain 'the same' as in my memories - deliberately to suppress and hide who I really am and how I am really experiencing myself within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my internal reactions to X not being in my physical environment anymore by going into my mind within and as an emotional reaction of fear to my own emotions - and therein not want to be honest with myself about how I am actually experiencing myself inside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own internal emotional reactions and so from that reaction of fear try to suppress the emotional experiences within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memories in my mind to suppress myself as who I am within and as this moment out of fear of my own emotional experiences - as a preprogrammed reaction of the mind to suppress my internal emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the preprogrammed construct and program within and as the mind to exist within myself of a suppression of emotional experiences within myself through using memories of who I think and believe I 'used to be', within and as the thought and idea that I must remain that way and I cannot and must not react emotionally and change internally and externally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shield myself off from my internal emotional experiences by defining myself within and as a preprogrammed construct in my mind wherein I react to my own mind and therein sabotage myself because then I cannot see what is really going on within myself and so I am also not able to get to know myself or change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to sabotage myself in my process of self-change and self-honesty by reacting to my internal reality with an emotional experience of fear and suppression and in that way make it impossible for myself to see who I am inside of myself and so be able to change and be and become the self-directive principle within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as who I am here within and as this moment by creating the idea in my mind that I must be and remain how and who I was in my memories - by placing memories of myself in my mind as an 'example' of who I think and believe I must be - to then use that to suppress and hide the real actual experience of myself within and as this moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider comparing myself to my own memories and to my past as this idea that I have in my mind of 'who I was' - and therein not be honest with myself about who I am here within and as this moment


Self-Corrective Statements

If and when I see that I am stepping into the thought pattern of suppressing my current internal reality and experience by comparing myself to memories and by thinking that I must be as I was in those memories - then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that I am manipulating myself within and as my mind to not be honest with myself about who I am within and as this moment of breath

And I see, realize and understand that this is a mechanism of the mind to ensure that I will never change and that I will not be able to investigate myself within and as self-honesty by imprisoning myself within a mental construct of thoughts and belief systems about having to experience and behave myself in a specific way, based on memories

Wherein I see, realize and understand that I am sabotaging myself in my process of getting to know my mind - by assuming and expecting myself to stay the same - and defining myself within and as a specific experience and expression --- wherein I see, realize and understand that within my process I must walk through the various layers within and of my consciousness and that I will have to be completely honest with myself in every moment about what I am really actually experiencing within myself - without suppressing those experiences within myself

So I commit myself to be honest with myself about what is really going on within myself so that I can assist and support myself to be and become the self-directive principle within and as myself in relation to myself within and as the mind because I realize that what goes on in the mind is who I really am as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become throughout my life

And so I commit myself to walk the process of investigating who I am and correcting the patterns of the past that I have integrated and created and have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself - and to that way create and manifest myself as a self-aware and self-responsible living being wherein I can also assist and support other people to realize themselves as who they really are as self in oneness and equality with life within and as myself

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