“For one couple out of eight, this is not a fiction.”
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Created by a Belgian organization dedicated to protect victims of domestic violence, those films help us realize how little conflicts become huge wars between couples that don’t communicate openly. Receiving millions of reactions on social media in the movies’ original language, French, the films helped many men and women to identify that what they were experiencing in their everyday life was not a normal relationship.
Providing an open-minded look of the simple life of a simple couple, this story has had a strong impact on viewers. The creators have given viewers a way to turn those emotions into actions. On the organization’s website, documents are written for both for men and women that urge people feeling stress, anger or fear in their relationship to call for assistance.
Not only does it show how victims should react, but also how people who commit violence may need help to understand what they’re doing, deconstruct their story and leave the circle of violence.
The first part is the story of Fred and Marie. The second video’s title comes with her name first, Marie and Fred.
Video : Youtube/FredetMarie
I think that these 2 videos about domestic abuse are a good start – they need to address the issue of once you have children in the mix – it is not as simple as just breaking up and moving out – someone abusive can go as far as stalking or continue to be a threat to the life of their victim and the lives of their children as well – and that requires a more creative approach to leaving – especially when considering the laws of each country and state and their general attitude towards this. The other thing… Read more »
Thank you, MM! I see where you’re coming from Jacob, but I disagree (and agree with MM) – it’s not so simple as ‘girls going for the bad boys’, and to ask why they ‘always’ go for guys like that is to perpetuate an ignorance, a dangerous stereotype, and to shift the blame, once again, to the victim. Why not ask, ‘why do some people behave in this manner, this abusive controlling way?’. As MM says, the abuse is gradual and insidious – if it was like this from the start, no one would stay! Perhaps a montage of ‘happiness’… Read more »
I find it interesting. This same story has been told a million times. This isn’t shining a new light on things. What they need to do is tell the story before the story. Why do girls go for guys like this? It’s because all our stupid movies and society in general make us want someone who’s ultimately no good for us. You ask any girl these days to list off the qualities of an ideal guy and you won’t hear a singular thing that indicates she’s looking for a good man. Being a good man, who’s loving, responsible, caring, honest,… Read more »
There’s probably a grain of truth in this, but I think it’s not so much that girls go for “bad boys” or that boys go for “bad girls” (because men are abused by women too!) but that abuse is insidious and creeps into a relationship over time. That’s part of why it’s so dangerous. Abusive habits develop gradually over time until they seem normal. At first, things are fine and your partner is kind and loving, but once that ‘honeymoon period’ wears off and you’re just living life, things start to get ugly. In my experience, very few abusive relationships… Read more »
Thank you for posting these. I really loved watching these. The only thing missing, in my opinion, was to see what color Marie painted the room. In my mind it was a bright, happy yellow. Two and a half months ago I left my abusive husband. The relationship and marriage together lasted less than two years. Although I lost a lot during that time, I was able to get away due to being able to support myself financially. I also had a mountain of support from my family. The thing that scares me now is the fear of ending up… Read more »
Great videos…and well done! Marie captures the insidiousness and gradual wearing away of her self-esteem and judgment by her husband, Fred….the alternating between love and fury…ambivalence and hurt… The conversation between herself and Geraldine was so well done…I wish I even had an ounce of courage to reveal such secrets to my best friend then…there is so much pressure to keep “meddling” friends out of the cocoon of such an abusive relationship…. I have done my best to reach out to a friend who is going through something similar to what I went through many years ago…it is hard watching… Read more »
Gregory,
This is really important information to be shared. I have worked with violence for more than 40 years in many settings and most people don’t understand the underlying causes or how we can prevent violence. Thanks for the work that you’re doing.
Thanks Jed. I agree, those two little films say a lot about silent violence in a couple. How it’s created and how it grows up. And how appearances are more or less maintained to the great disappointment of the victim.
Good clips which do a great job of showing the “Core Issues:” A). The constant “need” for control that abusers (both male and female) seem to carry; B). The narcissism and resulting “put-downs” and attitude that “my needs are more important than your needs;” and C) (While I’m certainly not blaming the victim), The victim’s inability to communicate her needs. Early-on, when s/he does express herself/himself and the abuser cannot seem to understand, appreciate, or at least respect the partner’s perspective, then “there’s your sign.” GET-OUT. GET-OUT. GET-OUT. You’re likely dealing with someone with some major challenges and quite possibly… Read more »
Excellent explanation. Thank you. How can we talk to those women or men that don’t dare to leave their violent partner. With examples ?
In response to your question: 1). By simply talking about it….. This “problem” crosses every ethnic, racial, economic, and educational line. I worked in higher education, lived an upper-middle class life-style, and was a role model to 100’s of (mostly female) students (some of whom I even helped leave abusive situations). I didn’t fit any of the stereotypes commonly associated with “victims,” but I will never forget the day that I read my journal (I still can’t get through more than a few pages) and realized, “I am being abused.” Now, when I talk with student in challenging situations, I… Read more »
Well, I’d like to congratulate you for everything you’ve done. How difficult and powerful are all those steps.
And thank you very very much for what you’ve just shared. That is no only emotional and beautiful, but very useful to many men and women suffering that kind of situation, where apparently, they’re living in a normal couple, but in reality they’re oppressed and violented day to day.
I’d like it to become a complete post on The Good Men Project. Would you be ok with it ?
I saw a counselor in secret, because my ex didn’t want me to see counseling. The counselor gathered from the information that I gave her that I was in an abusive situation. It was actually her remark that I was doing my ABUSER no favours by staying with him and enabling him. That’s what made me leave. I still loved him and I didn’t want to hurt him. My realization that staying with him was doing him no good was what propelled me to leave. I suggest taking that angle with some victims.
I like it. But I wish it had show two things. (1) I wish it had shown Marie sticking up for herself and let the audience see how she handled it. And (2) I wish there were a version also showing a man being abused to give a voice to all those men who are in a similar situation and don’t know how to get out. But this starts a conversation, and for that I am grateful. <3
You’re right Leah, I completely agree. Number one is not in and will never be. Number two might exist. We should look for a video with such a situation.