FADE IN:

EXT. EARTH (PROBABLY), MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO

A floating COFFEE TABLE arrives and drops off a 10 FOOT TALL ALBINO. He drinks some BLACK GOO that breaks down his DNA and it recombines in WATER, creating LIFE all over the PLANET. Or SOMETHING. Don't think about it TOO MUCH.

EXT. SCOTLAND - 2089

Archeologist team NOOMI RAPACE and LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN discover some CAVE PAINTINGS.

NOOMI RAPACE

Wow! I can't believe it!

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

You mean that we've discovered dozens of different paintings from several different civilizations with the same star pictogram?

NOOMI RAPACE

No, I can't believe you're not actually Tom Hardy. Are you guys Irish Twins or what?

INT. SPACE SHIP "PROMETHEUS" - 2093

Prometheus is on its way to SOME MOON. The ship's android butler MICHAEL FASSBENDER acts CREEPY while the crew is in HYPER SLEEP, but CHARLIZE THERON wakes up EARLY so she can start being a COLD HEARTLESS BITCH as soon as possible.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Oh I get it, you're an android like me, right?

CHARLIZE THERON

No, I'm human, my acting just makes me seem like a lifeless robot incapable of human emotion.

The CREW wakes up and gathers to watch a HOLOGRAPHIC POWER POINT PRESENTATION featuring BENJAMIN BUTTON. Oops, I mean GUY PEARCE in OLD MAN MAKE-UP.

OLD GUY PEARCE HOLOGRAM

By the time you see this I'll be long dead, but I wanted to remind everybody that I'm the super rich asshole who paid for all of this and I put my name on everything I own. Basically I'm the future Donald Trump. And even though Michael is an android I consider him to be the son I always wanted. So if I had a daughter and she's watching this she can go fuck herself. Get that, Charlize? Good.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Soooo, we're here to look for the aliens the cave paintings were talking about, whom we call "Engineers". We think they were responsible for creating all life on Earth. Any questions? Yes, you, Irishman with the ridiculous haircut/tattoo combo?

SEAN HARRIS

If that's true and these Engineers used their DNA to seed Earth, how does that explain all the diverse races of people? Wouldn't we all be 10 foot tall albinos too? And wouldn't all the plants and animals share the same DNA as humans? And what about dinosaurs? I hope the movie explains some of this.

SCREENWRITER DAMON LINDELOF

What you need to understand is that this isn't a movie about "answers" so much as it is about "QUESTIONS"!

TWITTER USERS

And what YOU need to understand is

(gives Lindelof the finger)

NOOMI RAPACE

I am a woman of science who is also a woman of faith and this is just my way of using my sciency powers to look for God, okay?

SEAN HARRIS

Well I don't give a shit about any of that stuff, just so long as I get paid!

RAFE SPALL

Me too!

NOOMI RAPACE

I think the audience just figured out which of us is going to die first.

CHARLIZE invites NOOMI and LOGAN to her FORESHADOWING ROOM.

CHARLIZE THERON

This entire room is a lifeboat that can be detached from the ship. And it has a self-surgery machine. It's programmed for males only, but really anybody can use it, so me telling you only a man can use it is completely pointless.

The PROMETHEUS arrives at SOME MOON which is NOT LV-426 and further chips away at the AUDIENCE's hope that this film will perfectly tie into the first "ALIEN" somehow. Because IT WON'T.

The ship is flown by CAPTAIN IDRIS ELBA.

IDRIS ELBA

If there's any life out here it'll probably be days or even weeks before we find any signs of--

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Look over there! A road! And it leads to a man-made dome! Jackpot!

IDRIS ELBA

Wow, that took all of 10 seconds.

NOOMI and her team dress up in UNITARDS that are supposed to be SPACE SUITS and go to the DOME.

INT. DOME

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Hey, there's oxygen in here! Let's all take off our helmets and leave them behind!

NOOMI RAPACE

Good idea! Wait, that's a really stupid idea, but I'll do it anyway.

(pause)

We are terrible scientists.

MICHAEL activates an EXPOSITION HOLOGRAM.

NOOMI RAPACE

Look! The Engineers were running from something before they were all killed! Isn't that amazing?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Not as amazing as the fact we're being shown exactly what we need to see to advance the plot. What next? Are they going to leave us a video on how to operate their ships using flutes?

SCREENWRITER DAMON LINDELOF

Look, I know it seems kind of contrived, but it brings up lots and lots of interesting QUESTIONS, doesn't it?

TWITTER USERS

Fuck off, Lindelof.

The EXPOSITION HOLOGRAMS lead NOOMI's TEAM to a room filled with WEIRD METAL VASES and a big STONE FACE. They also find a DEAD ENGINEER.

NOOMI RAPACE

Yes! Proof The Engineers are real! Score! Let's take this dead one's head back to the ship so we can blow it up!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

And while you're busy doing that I'm going to secretly steal one of these metal vases!

A STORM appears so NOOMI and her TEAM hurry back to PROMETHEUS.

INT. PROMETHEUS

NOOMI RAPACE

Hey, where's Sean Harris and Rafe Spall?

CHARLIZE THERON

They got lost inside the dome and are still there.

NOOMI RAPACE

You do realize we have a holographic map that tells us exactly where the fuck they are inside the dome at all times, right?

CHARLIZE THERON

Yes.

NOOMI RAPACE

So they didn't fall through a hole in the ground or get trapped behind a cave-in or something practical like that, we're going with "they got lost despite having a billion dollar GPS"?

CHARLIZE THERON

Yuppers.

NOOMI RAPACE

Then I guess we'll just go get them after the storm passes. Idris should monitor them over night and make sure they're okay.

IDRIS ELBA

Or I could go throw my penis inside of Charlize instead!

HE DOES. NO ONE bothers to keep in touch with SEAN and RAFE because their fellow crew members are DICKS.

INT. DOME

SEAN and RAFE camp out in the CREEPY VASE ROOM.

SEAN HARRIS

Have you noticed all of these metal vases are leaking strange Black Goo?

RAFE SPALL

Yes, and a weird creature has just emerged from it!

The creature is a VAGINA SNAKE.

RAFE SPALL

Even though I ran like a little bitch at the first sign of danger earlier, I will attempt to cuddle with this creature.

SEAN HARRIS

You're an idiot. It's going to bite the fuck out of you.

VAGINA SNAKE

He's right, Rafe. I am going to bite the fuck out of you.

RAFE SPALL

Cannot... resist... vagina... snake...

The VAGINA SNAKE bites THE FUCK out of RAFE with its VAGINA DENTATA and breaks his ARM. SEAN cuts the VAGINA SNAKE in half and gets BUKKAKED with ACID BLOOD and falls into the BLACK GOO. Then the VAGINA SNAKE orally violates SEAN and kills him.

Meanwhile...

INT. PROMETHEUS

MICHAEL secretly opens the METAL VASE he stole and extracts some BLACK GOO from it. Then he meets with LOGAN who is at the SPACE BAR getting PLASTERED.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

I can't believe we came all this way for nothing. And by nothing I mean discovering the ancient alien race that created humans. Nothing exciting about that. Woe is me. Too bad you can't understand because you're a stupid fucking robot.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

And that's exactly why I don't feel guilty about spiking your drink with the Black Goo, you whiny prick.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

What was that?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Oh nothing.

LOGAN drinks the BLACK GOO and goes off to MAKE SEX with NOOMI. The next day LOGAN starts to DECOMPOSE like the 10 FOOT TALL ALBINO.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Damn, I was really hoping to be killed off by an actual space monster with teeth instead of space AIDS. Oh well. Kill me!

NOOMI RAPACE

Wait! We can freeze you and cure you when we get back home!

CHARLIZE THERON

Or I could just cure him right now with this flamethrower!

CHARLIZE flame-broils LOGAN. NOOMI faints and wakes up in the MEDICAL LAB.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

You're three months pregnant.

NOOMI RAPACE

The hell you say. Do you see my stomach? It's still flat and toned! Besides I'm sterile!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I guess the Black Goo I infected Logan with made you fertile again, somehow.

NOOMI RAPACE

What was that?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Oh nothing. Congratulations on your mutated alien fetus!

INNOCENT SCIENTISTS

Now we will do our jobs by putting Noomi in her cryo bed!

NOOMI RAPACE

Not if I cave in your skulls with this metal container first!

NOOMI BLUDGEONS the INNOCENT SCIENTISTS and hops inside the SELF-SURGERY MACHINE.

NOOMI RAPACE

One C-Section with fries and a Diet Coke to go!

SELF-SURGERY MACHINE

Didn't you hear Charlize? I'm programmed for men only!

NOOMI RAPACE

JUST GET IT OUT OF MEEEEEEE!!!!!!

The SELF-SURGERY MACHINE cuts NOOMI open and removes her SQUID MONSTER BABY. NOOMI ABANDONS it because she is a TERRIBLE MOTHER.

NOOMI RAPACE

I should really tell someone about that thing! Or go get a flamethrower and kill it!

(pause)

Or not. Whatever.

NOOMI stumbles into the THIRD ACT and finds OLD GUY PEARCE.

OLD GUY PEARCE

I'm still alive! Twist! I'm hoping The Engineers will grant me the secret to eternal life!

NOOMI RAPACE

But they're all dead!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Actually I discovered one of their ships and found an Engineer alive in stasis. Also I'm responsible for Logan's death.

NOOMI RAPACE

I'll just ignore that last part and go with you.

INNOCENT SCIENTISTS

Hey Noomi, remember us? You knocked our teeth out and gave us brain damage.

NOOMI RAPACE

I guess you're pretty upset with me.

INNOCENT SCIENTISTS

Nah, we're cool. What's a little aggravated assault amongst proper European scientists?

Meanwhile...

The BLACK GOO has turned SEAN HARRIS into a 28 DAYS LATER ZOMBIE instead of DECOMPOSING his body or turning him into a VAGINA SNAKE because the BLACK GOO is an ALL PURPOSE PLOT DEVICE and does WHATEVER THE FUCK THE MOVIE NEEDS IT TO DO. SEAN and a bunch of crew members we DON'T KNOW or CARE ABOUT are KILLED.

NOOMI meets with IDRIS.

NOOMI RAPACE

Idris, you are my black friend, so I'll need you to sacrifice yourself at some point to stop the Black Goo from getting to Earth.

IDRIS ELBA

Agreed. Clearly The Engineers used this moon as a military base.

(pause)

Wait, why would The Engineers give us the location of their bio-weapons base in those pictograms you found? That makes zero sense. I hope the movie explains this.

IDRIS hopes IN VAIN.

INT. ENGINEER SHIP

NOOMI, MICHAEL and OLD GUY PEARCE wake up THE ENGINEER, who looks like the 10 FOOT ALBINO except in SPANDEX. MICHAEL talks to him in his NATIVE LANGUAGE.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Hello, I am Michael-3P0, Human Cyborg relations and I really don't like the way my head is attached to the rest of my body. Is there anything you can do to fix that?

THE ENGINEER rips MICHAEL'S FUCKING HEAD OFF and beats OLD GUY PEARCE to death with it while NOOMI ESCAPES.

EXT. MOON SURFACE

THE ENGINEER starts up his ship using advanced FLUTE TECHNOLOGY. The ship rises up out of the ground and is about to go to EARTH.

NOOMI RAPACE

Idris! The Engineers want to kill all humans with the vases full of Black Goo!

IDRIS ELBA

But why? Didn't they create us? Why do they suddenly want to destroy us?

NOOMI RAPACE

I think we did something to really piss them off around 2,000 years ago!

IDRIS ELBA

Hey... didn't we get here on Christmas Day? And isn't there a lot of religious/self-sacrifice themes going on? I wonder what this could all be hinting at?

NOOMI RAPACE

No idea! Just hurry up and sacrifice yourself already!

IDRIS and his crew HAPPILY throw their hands up in the air like they're on a ROLLER COASTER and KAMIKAZE the ENGINEER SHIP, but CHARLIZE and the LIFEBOAT are ejected from PROMETHEUS before it EXPLODES.

CHARLIZE THERON

Yes! I'm safe! I'm going to make it!

But the ENGINEER SHIP falls from the sky and is about to squash CHARLIZE.

CHARLIZE THERON

Fuck! I could run sideways and avoid being crushed... or not!

(is crushed to death)

What was the point of my character again?

NOOMI reaches the LIFEBOAT.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S SEVERED HEAD

Hey Noomi, just giving you a heads up. The Engineer's on his way there and he said something about being a huge Rooney Mara fan!

THE ENGINEER tries to murder NOOMI.

NOOMI RAPACE

Why do you want to kill all humans so badly?!

THE ENGINEER

Because we hate prequels! And sequels! And remakes! And reboots! And especially 3D! And this movie is most of those things! You people must all be stopped!

NOOMI RAPACE

TENTACLE MONSTER BABY ATTACK!

NOOMI's MUTANT SQUID BABY has grown into a huge HENTAI TENTACLE MONSTER and attaches itself to THE ENGINEER'S FACE in a HUGGING sort of way.

NOOMI RAPACE

Oh, I see, if I had aborted it then it wouldn't have been around to save me. This has to be the most twisted fucked up Pro-Life message ever. There's no way this movie is going to match up with "Alien" now. I might as well just kill myself and get it over with.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S SEVERED HEAD

But we can still bridge the gap between the two movies!

NOOMI RAPACE

How?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S SEVERED HEAD

By introducing a third movie! There are other Engineer ships around here and I know how to pilot them!

NOOMI RAPACE

Are you shitting me? Then why didn't The Engineer just go take off in another ship instead of trying to kill me? And how could he breathe outside without an oxygen mask? The movie had damn well better explain some of this.

SCREENWRITER DAMON LINDELOF

It's not about "answers" so much as it's about--

TWITTER USERS

Go to hell, Lindelof!

SCREENWRITER DAMON LINDELOF

Enough! You want answers? Fine! I will give you fucking answers! What's the Black Goo? It's MAGIC so SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT! What was Michael's agenda? SUCK MY BALLS is what! Why did The Engineers create humans only to try and wipe them out? Because FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY! Have fun with your stupid Transformers and your PG-13 superhero movies, assholes!

NOOMI and MICHAEL'S HEAD leave in another ENGINEER SHIP to boldly go where no woman or severed android head has gone before.

Meanwhile...

INT. PROMETHEUS LIFEBOAT

THE ENGINEER's chest bursts open and a cheap KNOCKOFF XENOMORPH ALIEN slides out as one last BITCH SLAP to the FANS of the ALIEN SERIES.

END