In his reading of ‘To Myself on My First Birthday’ Ronnie K. Stephens explores body image, the first 10 pounds, and learning to love his body again.
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This poem tackles body dysmorphia, something which has haunted me for a little more than a decade. Inspired by a personal photograph, it uses the epistolary form to create an imagined conversation with my younger self.
TO MYSELF ON MY FIRST BIRTHDAY
The day you are born, your mother
can’t make sense of how small you are.
She will remind you of this a dozen times
most years. Your father will only laugh
and tell you how he stored whole boxes
of Ding Dongs in the car for her cravings.
Neither can believe it has been a year
already. This, your first birthday, falls
on Easter Sunday. This, your first cake,
a blue bunny covered in coconut. You take
one bite. Spit it out just as the shutter
clicks. You will never live the picture down.
You will come to love coconut. But not
before you catch pneumonia. Nearly die.
Not before the special shoes that turn
and turn until your ankles are straight
or the bionator that tugs at your jaw
until the underbite is gone.
For you, the body will always be
a warehouse of pain. You will learn first
to hate it hard. Catch your soft skin on
anything sharp. Tear it open until it is
a collection of seams. Know that it won’t
always be so. You will love this body.
You will look at your seams and call them
proof you are still together. You are not
a mess of scraps. You will love the way
every part of you heals. You will love
mirrors again. You will look at cameras
without flinching. Without falling.
You tired carnival. I confess this will not be
the last time you eat cake through the crying.
But you will eat cake again.
You will eat cake again. It will not always
come with so much shame. You are but ten
pounds this afternoon. You will lose entire
years to the shedding of that number.
I promise I will not let you lose these ten.
These first ten are all of you. I give you
my word; I will keep them safe.
©Ronnie K. Stephens, 2016
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Photo: Getty Images