ACLU Sues Catholic College for Not Allowing School Shootings #satire

BISMARK, ND – Following on the heels of the lawsuit against Michigan-based Catholic hospital Trinity Health Corporation, the ACLU has stepped into the breech and targeted the often-overlooked enemy of ‘choice’: Catholic Universities.

In a lawsuit against the University of Mary, lawyers for the ACLU attest, “The university serves non-Catholic students, but fails to recognize those students have the right to choose whether or not to kill innocent people over whom they hold the power of life and death.”

Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards comments, “We see this same problem in Catholic hospitals: They have no problem with delivering a baby prematurely if there are life-threatening complications for the mother, but will they allow mothers and their doctors to stab those babies with scissors or inject them with saline solution? No they will not.”

“The thing to understand in these cases,” an ACLU spokesman explained, “is that sometimes people just really, really cause big problems for you.  You’re stuck with them, they are making your life very difficult, and if you are more powerful and can get the upper hand, you should be able to kill them.”

Associate director of the USCCB’s Secretariat of Pro-Life Activities, Richard Doerflinger, declined to comment on the University of Mary case, but offered general observations about the state of shooter’s-choice rights on Catholic campuses.  “This has been a real success for the American bishops.  We can confirm that 100% of Catholic Colleges across the United States have strict policies against students killing other students.  The message of the Church is loud and clear: If you want to shoot your fellow students, don’t attend a Catholic college.”

ACLU press statements denied that the new lawsuit was targeting “those pesky Christians.”  “We support the right of every student, regardless of religion, to exercise his God-given  nothing-given right to choose whether people who bother them should live or die, for any reason or no reason at all.”

At press time, the ACLU was preparing a related case against Pope Francis for “imposing his religious views on Congress, and for inciting voters to deny states the right to choose whether to kill the people who exercise their right to choose to kill other people.”

Artwork: The Death of Caesar, Vincenzo Camuccini [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons