Day 318: Loneliness, I have to do this and Money as me.

So recently there has been some points that I have allowed to cause me to experience the emotion of loneliness and to become apathetic about my life and my process of birthing myself as life from the physical as equality and oneness as whats best for all life.

It is fascinating how the pre-programmed mind that I have existed as and developed myself as in this world as ego / the world system of money can take revenge on us so quickly if we are not clear in our standing here as the actualisation of what is best for all life.

So my mother, who has for most of my life dealt with multiple medical issues, had a medical emergency this past week and while being sad and concerned initially is understandable when family/friends need medical attention - immediately my pre-programmed mind was spewing up all kinds of thoughts and emotions.

These thoughts and emotions were all based around this idea of "oh this makes sense, she is going to die soon - then I will have no family left, I will be alone." I have for a very long time growing up experienced myself as alone, there are many factors as to why this is.

One for instance is having the smallest family of my school friends growing up - where I would compare my family to my friends and see that they would all have many more family members then my family and thus I would go into and define myself as alone from my friends from this perspective.

My family always has had some strange events in its history as well, which again added more layers to this loneliness.

Then I would often experience myself as alone within my family because while my mother and grandfather have been my family, as the only family member of ethnicity, I would experience myself as alone within the family.

My father was never involved in my life apart from some brief moments in my first few years, which again would feed into and ad layers to this experience of being alone.

Being my mothers carer growing up, when no man would help her consistently like me and none of my friends needed to look after any family members again would compound this loneliness.

Then my mother and my grandfather, while they had relationships in the past, most of my life had no life partner and would often define themselves as being able to get everything done by themselves, which caused me to believe that I do not require anybody's help and in fact I am supposed to be alone and always do things myself because that is the "Dawkins family way".

All these points for instance is where I have defined myself as the mind as someone who is and always will be alone - therefore I live in a house by myself, I try to so much on a day to day basis by myself and I while I do interact with others, most of my time is spent by myself.

I see how through the years I have often used alcohol and smoking weed to alleviate, suppress and avoid taking self-responsibility for removing this loneliness that only serves to limit me - you know that when you drink more alcohol and smoke more when you are on your own, then when you are with others that you have an extensive problem of loneliness.   

I see this all is also a predominate factor for instance in why I do not have a stable relationship with a life partner, where my mind will imagine and project about about a great life with a partner, without ever effectively removing the pre-programmed patterns that cause me to not interact with people in a physically effective way and to then push away people to match this idea of myself, this self-definition as the lone wolf who is sad about, yet at the same time in love with his loneliness.

Yet also due to my families history which has been rife with conspiracies, and things that many people cannot believe, and my own life history which has been rife with criminality in younger years and more conspiracies in older years as well as being part of enigmatic/powerful groups like Desteni and my open honesty about all these things - this has also factored into many potential partners going into fear understandably and not wanting to commit with me.

I see how my honesty about these things though, again my ego has used as a tool to push people away, when in reality being overly honest about things that sound very crazy to majority in society is not supportive to the development of interaction with people and potential partners - I see, realise and understand more and more as I walk my process, that the only honesty that matters is self-honesty, because the system version of honesty that we have all been brought up to believe is something beneficial, is actually destructive in nature to the living of what is best for all life.

For example - If you see a poor person steal some bread from the shop, the ego will direct you to be "honest" and tell the security guard who will then grab the poor person and call the police, causing nothing but grief for that person living in poverty. Yet if one is self-honest in this situation, then you can place yourself in the shoes of the poor person, realising that we have all accepted a world where most do not have and thus have no choice but to fall into criminality - therefore what would be best for all, is to not tell the security guard that the poor person is stealing bread, because when you have no money, you have no choice to participate in the system legally with money.

Amazing also within this that when money is involved during interactions with a person, then all of a sudden I  I want to interact as money as this world system shows enables me to continue my existence as the ego as this lonely being with money in self-interest, instead of having a starting point of producing money through business to create what is best for all life here - I see within this how I have accepted myself to be defined/enslaved as the creation as the mind of energy and the world system of money.

As I was in my front room late at night just yesterday existing as this loneliness I watched a film which allowed me to realise how I am fucking myself within this loneliness. The film is called - "I think we are alone now." which I can definitely suggest for anyone who like me has had extensive problems with loneliness. I will not spoil the story, but ultimately it shows how when you are trapped as the ego as this loneliness in self-interest, you can only do so much beneficial actions because you remain limited, ineffective in living whats best for all in every moment and you eventually must take self-responsibility for the consequence of this loneliness and to live whats best for all life, you will need to stand up, let this loneliness go, not allow your ego to control your decisions and re-create yourself as a being living what is best for all life first, where real physical communication and unconditional support of another will emerge.   

I have made many strides to get to where I am now, where I do physically interact with and support many beings in this world unconditionally, for example animals, work mates, my mother most of which would say I am a happy and supportive person, yet most likely do not know the levels of loneliness I have allowed myself to exist as for so long.

Then when events like what happened to my mother this week occur, then the old thoughts, memories of loneliness come back up, accumulate and then my living as whats best for all becomes ineffective, erratic, where it becomes more of a "I have to do this" like a job to live whats best for all and my application is lazy and apathetic. 

We are all alone to walk this life, to walk our journey to life, yet we are all - one in this as the group where our collective intent creates that which exists here as the world we all share.

I see how as this loneliness I am accepting an energy system as me, as a pre-programmed mind of conscious, sub conscious and unconscious thoughts, feelings and emotions, where I keep myself pre-occupied in the conscious to not see the consequence of my acceptances as me as this existence of abuse, the sub-conscious where I prepare/create personalities to continue my conscious pre-occupations and the unconscious where I store/layer real experiences/realisations of myself and what I have been as consequence that I keep manifesting for myself as myself and this world to not deal with what I have become - which is designed in the exact same way as the world system of money where the conscious is the elite preoccupied with everything money can buy, the subconscious being the middle class who work to maintain the elite/conscious and the unconscious as the consequence of the money system as those existing in poverty/starvation that is suppressed, kept in the dark, on the outskirts of the money system to be ignored on a daily basis.

So walk with me to end this loneliness -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react as the emotion of loneliness when my mother was taken into hospital recently - I realise that while initial concern and sadness make sense, what does not make sense is then becoming trapped as a pre-programmed emotion of loneliness - I see how this event has brought forward everything I have suppressed as the ego as the idea of myself as who I have allowed myself to be and become in this world, which is limited only existent in my pre-programmed mind and thus not real and thus not valid to continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who is "supposed to be alone" growing up and then not dealing with this emotion effectively where the consequence of suppressing this emotion rears its head when someone close to me is in danger of disappearing from my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress dealing with this loneliness and deceive myself that I have "already dealt with it" when any form of pre-programming does not magically disappear after a few self-forgiveness statements years ago, it will always takes years of continued, disciplined investigation, forgiving of myself and self-honest corrective application as breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow the thought that "it makes sense that my mum might die soon and I will be alone" I see how this is a thought that I have allowed for far too many years to rear its head at various moments and how it only keeps me limited in separation as the idea of myself  as "supposed to be alone" and that in actuality everybody is alone and all-one equally as life - therefore it makes no difference what situation my mother or anyone else is in this world,  separating myself from this physical reality as the emotion of loneliness makes no sense.

Join me next time as I continue this point in my journey to life.