Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Vaccine opponents scatter the herd

Is there anything more predictable than the hue and cry from committed anti-COVID vaxxers that, pandemic or no, they have the right to make their own immunization decisions and it’s none of the government’s business?

(More predictable, that is, than my admittedly shallow wish every Oscar night Frances McDormand would, just once, put a little color on.)

Yes, yes, anti-COVID vaxxers; we hear you. Your body, your choice. Talk about your strange bedfellows…Calm down. No one is going to hold you down and try to dab just a little Papaya Pop by Clinique on your naked lips. Sorry, that was about Frances again. No, what I meant to say was, if you insist on not getting vaccinated, you don’t get to say you’re “waiting for herd immunity to kick in” because, uhhhhhh, without you that will never happen. I mean, frankly, at this point, we’re not all that crazy about y’all coming along but we have no choice. Just sit in the back seat and try not to talk.

Objections to getting jabbed include deep concerns about “just what exactly is in that vaccine.”

This has led to some pretty funny memes about how these “my body is a temple” folk question the vaccine while happily noshing on fast food “chicken” and washing it down with “red” soda containing approximately 4,786 “ingredients.”

If you really want to see the hair-on-fire anti-vaccine crowd get worked up, start talking about “digital health passes” which used to be called “vaccine passports” but that seemed too elitist and apparently called to mind priority gold boarding and liberals in first class with their support parakeets and whatnot. The objection seems to be you can’t have the guvmint having access to your health information. (Note: It already has all that stuff, ya big silly.)

I don’t mind the notion of a digital health pass if it means I no longer have to keep up with my flimsy paper vaccine record. It already has ketchup stains from an unfortunate proximity to a delectable platter of tots. First world problems, amiright?

I’m always amused at how vaccine critics carp about erry little thing with the rollout when you consider how much has been accomplished by the scientists in just one year. It’s almost unfathomable, like Frances McDormand’s prison matron gown. Honestly, what was she THINKING?

This is like whining to God about the degree of lushness in the Garden of Eden: “Frankly, big guy, you could’ve added more mandevilla because pops of color are super important. (Are you listening, Frances??) and all these waterfalls? Too noisy. Honestly, I hate to denigrate your handiwork, but it just seems like you could’ve done more in a WEEK.”

And like the “I don’t know what’s in it” argument, the objection to having privacy compromised by digital health passes seems a tad ironic considering all the bloviating is happening via the super private, absolutely tamper-proof environment of… social media. What could go wrong?

But back, for a sec, to the notion of herd immunity. The thinking here seems to be when those of us who are vaccinated wake up in a few months with a baby arm jutting from our foreheads, the unvaccinated will be juuuuust fine. Also mildly amused because, well, baby arm.

Like I said, without y’all, it’s going to be impossible to get to herd levels. You’re like the bandits hiding behind the rocks in an old Western. You try to steal the cattle, but you shoot your guns, spook them til they scatter and everybody loses.

Now we learn some anti-vaccine folks are buying fake vaccination cards online. Look, it’s one thing to refuse the vaccine because you fear for your health, safety, privacy…whatever. But PRETENDING you’re vaccinated so you can travel, etc.? Man, that’s some serious bottom-feeding right there.

Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Write her at [email protected].